Anyone ever have their eyes dilated? I did Wednesday and I don't recommend it, and especially don't recommend going back to work, driving or doing anything but breathing for 3 hours thereafter.
Arrived at the appointment at 2 like I was supposed to and they took me right in and immediately tipped my head back and squirted yellow liquid into my eyes that burned like a mother - that was to see if I had cataracts, a question I would have been very comfortable answering. Wacky shit though - yellow and blue really do make green - Kelly green to be exact. I tipped my head way back in the chair and when the yellow settled in the middle I had bright green eyes. FREAKY!!! Sit upright and yellow gook started running down my face in rivets - very attractive. Then, back goes the head and plunk, plunk - "go read a magazine for about 15 minutes while this starts to work and then we will call you back in". The girl must have been new and untrained - didn't take 15 minutes and I had heels on...Literally bumped into 2 walls, a wheelchair and sat on the arm of a chair because of the double vision. Picked up a magazine and realized that I have never had quadruple vision before and I don't care to again - I tried to read just for kicks - put one hand over one eye - squinted, pulled both eyes wide open, held the magazine 10 feet away - nothing would help me focus. Doctor came out and said I was ready and then apparently could tell by the look on my face "You've never had this done before, have you?" I am noticeably looking at an empty space next to him and waving my arm in front of me saying "Nope, sure haven't". Stumbled after him holding onto his coat tail, literally (he was a nice man) until we got to the exam room where, bless his soul, he realized I was going to need some help sitting without falling. No cataracts, No diabetes in my eyes, no vision problems...I am good.
Put my sunglasses on - glared at the 4 receptionists in front of me, all dressed the same, telling me "be careful driving" and headed for the stairs - BIG MISTAKE!!!! Only took me 20 minutes to get down two flights - scooched against the wall, in tears and feeling with toes for every stair.
Finally found my car in the parking lot - it's amazing how many people drive small red cars - and was on my way.
Ladies and Gentlemen...DO NOT DRIVE AFTER YOUR EYES HAVE BEEN DILATED!! Could have sworn Amish people were everywhere - tried following the yellow line, but when there's more than one it gets confusing - same with the white line on the other side of the lane. Without a word of lie...20 miles an hour all the way back to work with horns blaring from irate drivers behind and beside me. I would have flipped them off, but I was too busy gripping the wheel with both hands, face pressed up against the windshield, looking as if I may have just ingested 5 Long Island Iced Teas.
Why I went back to work I will never know - tried to check my email and that was just purely painful, couldn't write anything legibly and had to wear my sunglasses inside so I could see without the pain...oh the pain - took my sunglasses off when I finally got home and although I had a feeling I should have waited to get inside, I didn't. Your pupils do have a purpose after all.
They invited me back to do it all over again next year, but I am thinking stabbing myself in the eyes with toothpicks might be a more comfortable option. I'll let you know.
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Hey Kids, have you seen the ad for the "Smooth Away"? You know, the smoother with "microfine crystals" that means you'll never have to shave again... I'll admit I contemplated it, but decided my husband's uber-sandpaper, the best you can buy, was a good substitute. I still don't know if the smooth away works, but believe me, Mr. Honey's sandpaper is NOT a good idea. Your skin is smooth because you removed the top 50 layers. I betcha Dani and I could have a contest....
my Dani, Sat?
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